One thing I know for sure is that most of us grew up in homes where our emotions were not prioritised. We were either shut down, invalidated, or dismissed. "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." "You're being too sensitive." "It's not that big of a deal." "Big girls don't cry." "Man up."
And eventually, we learned. We shut down. We stopped expressing ourselves freely. We learned that our feelings were inconvenient, inappropriate, or simply too much.
And you know what? I don't blame our parents. They probably had it worse than us. They grew up in an era where emotional expression was seen as weakness, where children were meant to be seen and not heard, where "tough love" was the parenting philosophy of the day. Frankly, they didn't know any better. They were doing the best they could with the tools they had.
The Challenge We Face
But here we are, a generation of parents trying to do things differently. And it's hard. Really hard.
I have the same amount of empathy for our generation of parents as I do for the generation before us. Because here's the truth: How can we hold space for our kids when no one held space for us? How can we have compassion for our kids' big emotions when no one had compassion for ours?
We're trying to give our children something we never received. We're trying to teach them emotional skills we were never taught. We're learning and parenting simultaneously, often feeling like we're fumbling in the dark.
It's like trying to teach someone to swim when you're still learning to tread water yourself.
What I Love About Our Generation
But here's what I absolutely love about us: we're open to learning, evolving, and doing better. We read the books. We listen to the podcasts. We go to therapy. We acknowledge our own childhood wounds while actively working to not pass them on to our children.
We're willing to sit in the discomfort of our own unprocessed emotions so that our children don't have to carry the same burden. We're breaking generational cycles, and that takes incredible courage.
So if you're reading this and feeling overwhelmed by the task of helping your child navigate their big emotions, I want you to know: you're already doing the work just by being here, by seeking to understand, by wanting to do better.
The Foundation: Validation
Here's the thing that changed everything for me: You don't have to agree with the emotion in order to validate it.
Read that again. You don't have to agree with the emotion in order to validate it.
Your child is sobbing because their toast broke in half. In your eyes, it may seem as if they're overreacting. It's just toast. You can make more toast. The toast still tastes the same. But to them, in that moment, it's a big deal. Their world has fallen apart. Their expectations were shattered (literally). And they don't yet have the emotional regulation skills to handle that disappointment.
Your tween is devastated because they weren't invited to a birthday party. You might think, "There will be other parties. That kid isn't even a close friend." But to your child, this feels like social rejection, like proof they're not liked, like the end of the world.
Your teenager is furious because you said no to something. You know your decision is right and necessary. But their anger is still real and valid, even if the boundary remains unchanged.
Validation doesn't mean agreement. It doesn't mean changing your decision or fixing the problem. It means acknowledging that what they're feeling is real and understandable given their perspective and developmental stage.
The Three-Step Approach: Listen, Validate, Comfort
When your child is experiencing big emotions, try this simple framework:
1. Listen
Before you do anything else, just listen. Get down on their level. Make eye contact. Put your phone down. Let them express what they're feeling without interruption, correction, or minimisation.
This is harder than it sounds, especially when their emotion feels disproportionate to the situation. Every fibre of your being might want to say, "It's not that bad" or "You're overreacting." Resist that urge.
Just listen. Let them feel heard.
2. Validate
Name the emotion you're seeing and acknowledge it:
- "You're really disappointed that your toast broke."
- "You're feeling left out and that hurts."
- "You're angry that I said no. I can see how frustrated you are."
- "That sounds really hard."
- "I can understand why you'd feel that way."
Notice what you're NOT saying:
- "It's just toast." (minimising)
- "You're being ridiculous." (shaming)
- "Stop crying." (dismissing)
- "You're fine." (invalidating)
Validation says: "I see you. Your feelings make sense. You're not crazy or bad for feeling this way."
3. Offer Comfort Where Necessary
Sometimes, validation is enough. The emotion passes once the child feels heard. Other times, they need comfort, a hug, your presence, reassurance that they're loved even when they're struggling.
Comfort might also include helping them problem-solve once they've calmed down, or teaching them coping strategies for next time. But comfort comes after listening and validation, not before.
What Emotional Regulation Actually Means
Here's a common misconception: emotional regulation doesn't mean suppressing emotions or "staying calm." It means experiencing emotions without being completely overwhelmed by them, and having strategies to move through them in healthy ways.
We're not trying to raise children who never get upset. We're trying to raise children who:
- Can identify what they're feeling
- Understand that all emotions are valid and temporary
- Know how to express emotions in ways that don't harm themselves or others
- Have tools to calm themselves when emotions feel too big
- Can ask for help when they need it
This is a lifelong skill that even we adults are still working on. Be patient with your child as they learn. Be patient with yourself as you teach them.
When You Mess Up (Because You Will)
Let's be real: you're going to mess this up sometimes. You're going to snap at your child for crying over something that seems trivial. You're going to dismiss their feelings because you're tired or stressed or touched out. You're going to say "You're fine" when they're clearly not fine.
It's okay. You're human. You're learning. You're carrying your own unprocessed emotions while trying to help your child process theirs.
When you mess up, repair. Go back to your child and say:
- "I'm sorry I told you to stop crying. Your feelings matter."
- "I wasn't listening well earlier. Can you tell me again what's bothering you?"
- "I dismissed your feelings and that wasn't fair. You have every right to be upset."
Repair is powerful. It teaches your child that mistakes are part of being human, that relationships can be mended, and that you care enough to make things right.
Taking Care of Yourself
You cannot pour from an empty cup. If you're trying to hold space for your child's big emotions while ignoring your own, you'll burn out.
Do your own emotional work. Go to therapy if you can. Journal. Talk to trusted friends. Process your own childhood experiences. Learn to identify and validate your own emotions.
When you model healthy emotional regulation for yourself. When your child sees you name your feelings, take space when you need it, and work through difficult emotions, you're teaching them more than any lecture ever could.
We're Treading New Territory
My friends, we're pioneers in many ways. We're the generation breaking cycles, choosing connection over control, prioritising emotional health alongside physical health. We're learning to parent in ways we were never parented.
It's messy. It's uncomfortable. It's hard.
But it's also beautiful. Every time you validate your child's feelings instead of dismissing them, you're healing something in yourself too. Every time you hold space for their big emotions, you're teaching them that they're worthy of love even at their most difficult. Every time you choose compassion over criticism, you're changing the trajectory of your family's story.
You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have all the answers. You just have to keep showing up, keep learning, keep trying.
And I know you've got this.
Because you're here. You're reading this. You're doing the work. And that's what matters most.
Looking for more ways to connect with your child? Explore our conversation cards and parenting resources designed to help families build deeper emotional connections.